Hercules as a Dota 2 character

Important note: don't forget your sense of humor before reading this article.

But first, let me … talk about Ancient Greece

If we call the Sumerian-Akkadian historical period the cradle of humanity, then the Ancient Greek civilization was a nursery where we received a pacifier of citizenship, a diaper of democracy and a rattle of free speech. In addition to water, heating, baths in houses, entertaining theaters and salad from greens and feta cheese, the Ancient Greeks took care of your leisure time and invented a whole greek pantheon of mighty Greek gods (and the word "pantheon" itself).

Well known Olympian gods patronized all the more or less noticeable natural phenomena and different feelings, habits and states of the average person in a toga and sandals during the ancient times. By the way, Greek gods were of varying degrees of sanity. We've collected for you a history of Ancient Greece mythology from the mess of Google results, different interpretations and revolutionary discoveries from the Children's Encyclopedia, Volume Two.

Chaos, Gaia, Eros and All, All, All

First, there was Chaos, from which the Earth (Gaia) and Love (Eros) were born. Then, the rest of the meta-phenomena of nature began to appear: mountains, sea, light and shadow, day and night — all with the faces of Spanish models and under Ancient Greek names. 

Let's focus on Uranus, who personified the sky and the already familiar Gaia, the Earth's goddess. The couple gave birth to titans and cyclops to be engaged in finishing and arranging the new world. So the sun, moon, dawn and winds appeared—all with the faces of Italian models and under Ancient Greek names.

Uranus suddenly became a burden to his children (anyway, the Ancient Greeks wrote Greek myths, armed with democracy and the continuity of power). And the youngest titan, Kronos, overthrew his father from Olympus and began to rule his brothers. Remembering the overturn and the sad fate of Uranus, Kronos decided not to create harmful traditions and began to eat his newborn children. Rhea, his wife, didn't appreciate this revolutionary contraception method, and once gave her husband a stone instead of another baby.

This baby was Zeus - read the article about the Thunderer

Kronos turned out to be callous inside, he didn't notice the substitution, and the rescued pink-cheeked baby quickly grew stronger in the sunny meadows (and dark caves) of Crete and turned into the all-powerful Zeus. The Thunderer gave Kronos the debt of parricide, declaring a new era of the Olympian gods with the faces of Portuguese models and Ancient Greek names—and in the intervals between adultery—began to rule Ancient Greece.

But to make life harder, the Greeks, according to an epic poem, tied Zeus with the goddess Hera, who was supposed to become the patroness of the family hearth but couldn't save peace in her cell at the Olympic society. Since then, Zeus has been doomed to ride along with the plots of Ancient Greek myths, fleeing an angry Hera's wrath and picking up the divine underwear on the go.

Zeus’ son

During one of these races, the Thunderer paid a visit to the glorious Thebes city and the wife of the local hero Amphitryon, Alcmene. However, the loving god shared the bed with the beautiful woman in her husband's guise, so there was no need to doubt the purity of the deceived woman. As a result, Alcmene got pregnant with a blessed child named Hercules.

As a responsible father, Zeus left the city but didn't forget about his son. The Thunderer preferred a different kind of help to alimony. He announced his will: a baby born on the specified date will become the king of the descendants of Perseus and all earthly peoples, and then a series with well-known Kevin Sorbo will be shot about him.

Satisfied with himself, Zeus quickly realized that family matters were a more difficult test than beating titans or seducing sultry Greek women. With his own hands, the boss of Olympus gave the fate of his son, the future hero Hercules, into the hands of Hera, the patroness of marriage, who by that time also performed the duties of an offended woman. Taking advantage of her official position, she falsified the results of childbirth, and the uncle of the future hero, Eurystheus, was born first.

Zeus's plan took an interesting turn, the seven-month-old Eurystheus became king, and Hercules was left with his bronze skin, dizzying prowess and divine muscles without a throne on Mount Olympus or near it.

It seemed to Gera that her stepson's social downshift was not enough. As soon as the future hero got married and had a pair of adorable children, the goddess of marriage and the family hearth sent madness to Hercules. He, unconscious, sent all his household members to Tartarus ahead of schedule.

To atone for his guilt, Hercules went to the service of Eurystheus, where he performed his legendary twelve labors. Ten were needed, but his uncle refused to count two of them.

To be continued...